_1.

_{They trying to kill me in every dream I have}

_{Memory home}

_{Cold fingers}

_{Chest pain}

_{My father sent me the picture of the window view from my country}

_{Its full of snow}

_{Last time I saw snow in my country from their window}

_{She was recovering from cancer}

_{The day before I left}

_{She gave me a pack of gummy bears}

_My favorite

_{Find a place to say goodbye}

_2.

_{deconstruction}

_deletion

_elimination

_eradication

_abolition

_demolishing

_liquidation

_erasure

_disposal

_busting

_annulment

_3.

_{selling clothes from another life}

_{my jeans smelling dampness}

_{cockroach on the floor}

_{would you like an apple for the memory?}

_{drinking shit coffee trying to wake up}

_{password from the past}

_{dusted hearts}

_{hi katya I don’t forget about you}

_{just let me start this week again}

_4.

_{I’m feeling so happy to have been asked by you}

_5.

_{my homeland is sick}

_{he bought me lentils for 42 euro}

_{how long it’s gonna last?}

_{6 month peut etre}

_{six month before my documents expire}

_{bring me home}

_{kiss me hard}

_{vomiting memories}

_{strong and dark}

_{it’s your fault you never let him die in peace}

_6.

_{can’t find the future}

_7.

_{my past eating me inside}

_{you received a letter from the government authority}

_{your biological father wants to reach you}

_{psychiatry haunting}

_{do they know it’s the end?}

_8.

_{his body was here three days after}

_{his body was sitting on the bed}

_{his body was over drugged}

_{my headache killing me here}

_{you are not there}

_{your eyes blocked with a trauma}

_{I can’t breathe}

_9.

_{switch my body}

_{repair my mind}

_{I’m lost trying to escape}

_{take my hand}

_{there are no more beautiful words}

_{just the sadness}

_{covering my body as the blanket}

_{why are you telling me this?}

_10.

_{We are airplanes that curve above the sky}

_{Risk me}

_{I’ll still be there}

_{My home disappeared among the last goodbye}

_{In that the constant murmuring}

_{I’ll still be there}

_{Shaky hands}

_{Let me take your sadness}

_{Tears dropping down}

_{Into the silence}

_Whispering

_{I’ll still be there}

_11.

_{lost islands}

_{somewhere sometime}

_{one year ago, meeting in Spain}

_{dancing on the streets}

_{my beautiful sisters}

_{sharing dreams}

_{loneliness is a liquid cage}

_broken

_{let us be together}

_{where I can see you smiling again}

_12.

_{my body is a sadness and drugs}

_{water and coffee}

_{your eyes and her memory}

_{long mornings and hugs in the bed}

_{cold shower and books}

_{expired visa and midnight conversations}

_{his touch and hot summer}

_{full moon and sand under the water}

_{menstrual pain and delivery lost}

_{random choice and whisperings}

_{lost future and paradise}

_{flying mouth and loud sounds}

_{scare and ice on the heart}

_13.

_{whatever is takes me to be alive}

_{carrying stones from the past}

_{she needs an Italian passport}

_{long roads}

_{empty streets}

_{where we gonna sleep tonight?}

_14.

_{I’m no longer a time traveler}

_{I can’t awaken my heart}

_{lighting in the sky}

_{from the storm into the darkness above me}

_{where is your home?}

_15.

_{every time I need to go}

_I remember

_{the night of fleeing every time}

_{4 am}

_Erevan

_{1 mg alprazolam}

_{2 guys taking our luggage}

_{2 guys giving us 2 bags of food}

_{2 guys driving us to the hotel}

_{2 girls sleeping in the room with no lockers}

_{1 pubic hair on the white sheet}

_{I’m sleeping in clothes}

_{I see dreams of others they blocked our cards midnight strangers}

_{I don’t want to remember this every time I need to go}

_16.

_{lost myself in tiredness}

_{ashes of the tears}

_{hold the breath}

_{blow the candles}

_{forget the wish}

_{delete the story}

_{hide yourself}

_{stop to feel}

_{she said you had a nice chat}

_{I’m a fiction}

_{woven from the sorrow}

_{a fading whisper of what was}

_{misplaced in a world that feels unreal}

_17.

_{broken family}

_{broken memory}

_{broken connection}

_{broken past}

_{broken bones}

_{broken you}

_18.

_{morning walks is made for crying alone after the disappeared nights}

_19.

_{it’s like a volcano}

_{it’s been cold for a long time}

_20.

_{I don’t remember my home}

_{I don’t know where is it}

_{I might have lost it in the shadow}

_{I might have given it to someone else}

_{I might have disappeared while getting there}

_{Can I go back?}

_Unknown

_Still

_{Closed eyes}

_{I cannot feel}

_Emptiness

_{How long is now?}

_{I guess one could name it a form of fragility}

_{But I always thought}

_{I’m still here}

_{The memory of mourning}

_{On the last day, he gifted me a keychain, so every time I came home I remembered him}

_{Can I hold your hand?}

_Distance

_{Forming the earthquakes}

_{Maybe one day we gonna see the same dream}

_{Coming home}

_{Kat B (inst: ne_katya_ne_bondar) is a performance artist, member of GRENADE collective, founder of Radical Home. Born in Moscow, Russia. Trained at SNDO Choreography intensive at the Academy of Theater and Dance in Amsterdam, and also completed the ROAR-Berlin program. In her works, she explores body as a layered reality in terms of mutating landscape, ghosts, political archives, hybrid entities and the collective environment. Her performances participated in the exhibition spaces in Oslo, Berlin, Leipzig, Hamburg, Paris, Moscow, Saint-Petersburg. Right now, she is based in Montpellier, France.}

The project “Fear of forgetting” is an attempt to explore exile and political alienation, intertwining personal memories with the emotional realities of loss. The speaker’s experience is shaped by the pressure of being forced to flee from their homeland, where dreams turn into nightmares and memories of family and home are distorted by distance. Personal and political pain converge, as the body becomes a site of conflict, intertwining sadness, drugs, and the constant burden of bureaucratic barriers like expired visas.

Exile transforms identity into a blend of longing and loss, with the homeland—sick and crumbling—remaining an unattainable refuge to which one can only aspire. Political alienation permeates the text, as the speaker confronts a homeland that no longer feels like home, and a system that offers neither peace nor closure. The cold imagery of snow and warm memories of maternal love intertwine, reflecting the emotional contradictions of exile. The inability to return, the uncertainty of legal status, and the failure to find a future all articulate the broader experience of political isolation. This work serves as a meditation on the profound feelings of exile—both from one’s homeland and from a stable future.